To all of my wonderful readers: family, friends, and whoever else reads this blog....READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. This is NOT A HAPPY post! Feel free to stop reading NOW!!! Sorry, but I have to get this off my chest...and I wanted it documented for journal purposes. So you decide if you're going to read or not. But don't judge me, feel bad for me, or anything else.
I know I've never been good with expressing words. They never come across the way that I want them to. So I hope that I can write this in a way that will convey how i'm feeling without offending those reading.
I hate to say that this anger quote is me these days. I have lost a lot of happiness lately. I know it's my own fault. But I also know that I don't know how to fix it. My life is so sad, lonely, overwhelming these days. Today came my total and utter breaking point. I was confronted about something and basically told what an awful person I am. (I'm not going to go into specifics for the other person's sake) But that was the final straw that made me snap. I just can't take it anymore. And I realized today how unhappy I am...and how much people probably hate to be around me.
As the years have passed me by and I've gotten older, I have always told myself that I would never become that person who is bitter and angry because she has remained single all these years. But when I said that I didn't know what life would feel like at this point. I used to be the happiest person alive. Life was good and I was always happy no matter what was going on. I just always found a way to keep my head held high. Well, I just can't find it in me to do that anymore. I have no strength left to do that. What's the point? I just honestly don't see the point anymore. Yes, I know that people don't enjoy being around negative people. I've always hated being near people that are always negative. But now, I'm that person.
I think of my dad and a quote that he loves to share: "Life is 10% what you're given, and 90% what you do with that." (or something along those lines) Well I guess when you look at it that way, I'm choosing to be upset with my life and to be negative about how it has turned out. But I've reached the age of 33...which some say is still really young. But you try being single and alone for that long and still be a happy person? And yes I know what everyone is thinking (because I've hear it over and over again by various people)... I know I have great family members! I know I have awesome friends! And I'm so grateful to have those wonderful blessings in my life. But until you've been in my shoes, you have no idea what it feels like to be the "single woman". It is too dang freakin lonely!
And because I'm so bitter and angry at the world, I take it out on other areas of my life. I don't mean to, but I just can't help it. I've become so angry that I don't know how to keep it bottled inside of me anymore! I've had so many trials that have brought me to this totally and completely bitter and unhappy place that I just don't know how to handle myself anymore. I just want to crawl under my covers and hide there for a very very long time! And you know what? No wonder things didn't work out with that guy who was recently placed in my life? Who would want to be with me? Miss Bitter Pants over here?? Hello!! I wouldn't want to be with me...so why would anyone else?? Wow!!! I'm so overcome with my sadness that there is nothing inside of me that even wants to change. Well, it's not that I don't want to change. It's that I don't think I have it in me to change. Does that make sense?
AND NOW THOSE OF YOU WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS PROBABLY HATE ME AND NEVER WANT TO BE AROUND ME AGAIN...I UNDERSTAND! I KNOW, I SUCK. MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL COME OUT OF THIS. BUT IT WON'T BE ANYTIME SOON. I'M SURE OF THAT. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I NEED SOME SERIOUS HELP!