Life...and other stuff too!
Not sure how to express what I'm feeling today. But I'm certainly going to try! I feel like I've just been Negative Nancy of all bitterness lately. I always said that I'd never let myself get that way, even when life got hard. But then life happened and life became unbearable and I became Bitter Betty. So I apologize to anyone who has come across my path recently. I know I've been a sad, angry, bitter, negative....etc...person. But this week I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life. I went to the one and only person that I knew could help me with this. And I am working really hard to make the necessary changes in my life. I used to be a happy person who took life and rolled with the punches. But now life is too unbearable and too hard. So to those in my life who I may have offended or hurt, I have one thing to say. I'm sorry. And with that I'll say. I'm only human. I'm doing my best. It has never been my intention to hurt anyone; only to try my hardest in life. I am a firm believer that people come in and out of our lives for various purposes that we may/may not know. But there is a reason. Life is hard. But it is because of those many wonderful people in my life that I've been able to go on.
And upon this path, I've realized something today. I have let "being single" define who I am. That is something that to a certain extent, I just can't control. That makes me sad, and I just can't help that. This life is hard enough and doing it alone makes it that much harder! I've had some really great friends in my life who try to understand me and be there for me. But I've realized that unless they've been there, they will never understand my situration. They will never understand what I'm going through. I appreciate them for trying though. That means a lot to me. But I've come to realize that I will probably always be "alone" in the sense that I am single. But I will always have people in my life that I can turn to. So I need to figure out how to find that balance of dealing with my trials "alone" while turning to my friends and family when I need them. I have also realized that I think I expect too much out of my friendships. I don't mean to. But because of being single and always feeling alone, my friendships turn into much more. I guess I need more than your average person does out of a friendship. Most people I know have a husband who they call their "best friend" who they turn to for everything. I don't have that "best friend" relationship in my life. So I try to find it elsewhere. In turn, I end up expecting much more out of a friendship than I should. So to those amazing individuals who have chosen me as a friend, thank you for putting up with me and my high expectations. I appreciate every one of you. Every one of you have been an amazing asset in my life. Everyone of you to varying degrees, and everyone of you for different purposes. Thank you for giving my life meaning and for keeping me going with your kindness. I love all of you for it!
I apologize for expecting too much, and I apologize to those of you who I've hurt along the way. I love my amazing friends!!! I hope that through the changes I'm trying to make in my life, I can be a better friend and not expect so much out of those who choose me as a friend. I've let life get to me, and now I'm trying to "bounce back". It's not easy, but it is possible!